Starting out

Ok, this is my first time doing this. I want to give a whirl. I have been reading a lot of blogs from others and it is inspiring. I have never been a great writer but there is a first time for everything!

I am tired. I'm tired of being tired. Tired of having no energy. Tired of feeling like I am missing out on my children's lives. Tired of fighting high blood pressure, anxiety and the fears that this extra weight is giving me. I'm just plain tired.

This is difficult but I am going to do it. Today I got on the scale and I weighed 256 pounds. I have weighed more. The highest was 276 this go round. In February my parents and I got onboard with the South Beach Diet since my father was fighting heart failure, 2 years since his massive heart attack that nearly killed him. We were all doing really well, him and my mom especially, when he died suddenly in his sleep. I had lost 20 pounds easily. You would think that this would be a major awakening for me. How can I live like this? Why do I do this to myself? Do I really want to live in fear of a heart attack or heart disease? Not any more!

I have fought my weight since kindergarten. As long as I can remember I have been overweight or battleing to stay thin. I remember kids in the 3rd grade teasing me because I had "boobs" already, but they were kind enough to let me know that they weren't REAL boobs...they were fat boobs! My mom decided when I was in Jr High to sign us both up for Jenny Craig. We did it and it worked! For the first time in a LONG time I was thin! 135 pounds!! Shopping for size 5 clothes was awesome! I finally fit in! Over the course of a year the weight piled back on. In highschool I got active, riding my bike everywhere and the weight fell off again but in my senior year I got pregnant.

I believe I weighed close to 276 right before I had my first son. I was young and had the mindset that "I'm going to get fat anyway!" This was great since I had always battled my weight and now I could eat anything I wanted! WRONG! I carried that weight for nearly 2 years when I started exercising a LOT, rollerblading, going to the gym. The weight fell off. But, weight yo-yo'd like my relationship with my now ex-husband. While I was pregnant with our 2nd son I did great, I didn't gain a lot of weight but I was still big. I divorced my ex-husband after the years of torment of an on-again off-again relationship. I started nursing school and was introduced to the Atkin's diet. It worked great! The weight dissapeared and I got down to a very comfortable 175, size 14 and kept it off for a few years.

When I met my current husband I was about 185 pounds and felt great. I had a great job and now an even more wonderful man in my life! Life couldn't get any better, or so we thought! After 6 months I got pregnant and vowed I would NOT gain all that weight back. The cravings were intense. I did really well only gaining 25lbs the first 33 weeks until my blood pressure went up and I had to stop working. That last 5 weeks I gained nearly 20 pounds! Diet pills and exercise dropped it back down to nearly 200. Just when everything seemed on track my dad had a heart attack. I felt led to take a full time job at a cardiologists office and loved it. I especially loved all the wonderfully delicious and very UNHEALTHY snacks the drug reps brought us. Breakfasts, snacks, candy, lunches, snacks and more snacks! Sometimes there would be double snacks! It was so hard to fight off the urge to eat and the food won, like it always did. By the time I left there I had gained nearly 50 pounds.

It is my hope that blogging about this will open my eyes and help me see how I got to where I am today. I need accountability. I am vowing today to start a food diary for the next week and doing some sort of physical activity every day. Next week I will reassess and see where to go. So many people have done this...shoot..I HAVE DONE THIS...I know I can do it again! I have to. I want my kids to enjoy their childhood with their mom by their side, even in the pictures. There are so many stories like mine. If you look through the photo albums mom is only there during the times she was thin. I want to be there all the time. Starting today.

Please, follow me on my journey and let's do this together. One baby step at a time.

Step 1: Food diary and MOVE every day, at least 20 minutes